Cleaning.

I've spent the past 3 days cleaning. I'm exhausted, and my hands hurt. I'm trying to sort through my stuff now, so that whenever it is that we have to pack to move, it'll be a more simple matter. That is, just stacking stuff into boxes, rather than having to decide what to pack with what other items, what to keep and what to throw out, etc. So far, I have learned that:

Everything always takes longer than you think it will.
What it takes me an hour to organize, it takes Missy 10 seconds to cover with seed.
When your Mama said to keep receipts, she didn't mean all of them, from 5 years ago. They are the reason it was so hard to open and close your drawer.
When you move the foot rest (aka, cardboard box of junk) you had under your desk for 10 years, your feet will still subconsciously try to look for it every few minutes.
Don't play with a tube of black paint. Ever. It may seem fun to squish it between your fingers, but when the lid pops off, you'll have a heck of a time cleaning the carpet, your pants, your fingers...

Ouch...again.

I'm always tired around 4-5pm. More so if I'm at home than at work. I don't know why, suddenly I have no energy and concentration, and then I get some more for a few hours later. This time yesterday, we were about to go for a driving lesson, but I somehow managed to fall off the curb and land on the road between two parked cars. I twisted my ankle and scraped my knee. I'm fine, and Mum hasn't laughed that hard in a long time- but I really had forgotten how much that hurts!! I have a Pooh Bear bandaid now, which makes it all a little better, though. As a kid, I had scraped knees every second day...I went through so many pairs of stockings!
In other observations, this weekend has gone so fast. I finished re-reading the Shack...it really is a great book. Very touching, and thought provoking, even if you're not sure what you believe in. I hope God really is like that. If He's not, I don't know where I stand with my faith, but perhaps those questions can't be answered in this lifetime. What do you do if you believe in God, and need God, but feel He's too harsh and cruel to love or worship? Do you live in fear? Do you try to stop believing? It seems like a choice between those two a lot of the time. Well, maybe I don't want to define who I am with a religion. It actually seems pretty ignorant, in a way, to assume our beliefs are right. What if we're not? People of all faiths die for their beliefs, and most of them probably didn't need to. Anyway, I am who I am, He is who He is...what is, is, what will be, will be. I'm at a point of being too tired to care. I'm sick of being judged and sick of analyzing and being cynical about everything. Just sick of trying and failing over and over, I guess. I wish I could give up on it, but I can't. I can at least try to think about less, though. I know I ramble about it a lot, sorry.
Well before I go attempt to get something done, here's a blog post everyone should read:
http://nataliegrant.com/2009/10/24/your-10-can-set-thousands-free/
It's about donating to the Home Foundation to end human trafficking.

Summer is coming...

Things I like about Summer in Sydney...
Not being cold
My hair drying within 5 minutes of washing it
The laundry drying quickly
Blue skies, flowers...
Ice cream!
The pool (would prefer the beach, but it's over an hour away!)
Christmas :)

Things I don't like about Summer in Sydney...
Waking up in the night because it's hot
Waking up because after removing my covers, it's cold
Waking up because I'm hot again after putting covers back
Waking up in the night because the owls, frogs, cicadas make noise all night outside my window
Waking up because I drank a lot of water due to the hot day and now have to pee
Getting sore ears after swimming
Bushfires :(
When it's too hot to put things in the oven...

My list could go on. I generally love Summer, everyone seems more cheerful and less serious than in Winter. :)
Today I did the laundry, had a driving lesson with a practice test which I managed to fail twice, in the same test! I swear I'm not stupid, the test is just really stupid! There are things you have to do in order to pass that are totally petty and irrelevant to road safety. It's making me crazy, I'm having nightmares over this! So this morning wasn't great. Then I walked up to the shops to get lunch, came back, watched Friends with Missy, and then spent the afternoon swimming with Matt. I haven't had a chance to see him much lately, since he works long hours and night shifts.
I asked him where Arabica is, as in Arabica coffee...he said "It's imaginary. Like Poland." LOL he's amusing. He also started talking about "British and Waleish people"...err...Welsh people.
Then we had pizza for dinner with the whole family, and Mum and I attempted to explain the internet to Opa. He nodded, stood up, and walked away muttering "www dot shit!" He's such a cute old guy!

This is so cute...

Watch it. :)

http://www.andiesisle.com/GoD_and_DoG.html

A home...

"A house is made of bricks and stones, a home is made of love alone."

We're getting ready to sell our house and move. I know change like this is necessary to life, but I've never liked it! It's making everyone a little moody, Dad is fussing with the garden, Mum is...being Mum...you can imagine. I'm just trying to remember that a house is only a building. As long as I'm with all the people and animals I love, it doesn't really matter where we live! It'll still be hard to leave though. I've lived here for over half my life and there are so many memories here.
I drove past the house we lived in before this one, today. That was my first home, and we left when I was 9. It just looked so different, actually smaller than I remembered it (probably because I grew!) It just made me think.

Landmines...

This is a bonus track from the Japanese version of Jordin Sparks's Battlefield album. I first heard it a few weeks ago, and I love it.

Trying to pretend its perfect
Wish that I could run away and hide
In someone else's life
Feel like I'm 5 and helpless
Like a child left alone
Crying through the night
And when you yell at me
I get scared of you
All I want is to be close to you
I wish I could tell you the way I feel
But I can't break through

I don't wanna talk about it
I don't say another word
I've already said too much
Cause you just never seem to get it
Do you even care how much it hurts?
To hate the one you love
And I'm just waiting for the day
When I, when I don't have to
Tiptoe through the landmines

So afraid if I say the wrong thing
That your gonna blow up at me
Till I crumble to the ground
Finally I'm getting stronger
And if I have to walk away,
I will, And I won't turn around
If you saw my tears,
would you look away?
Hold me close?
Would you beg to stay?
If I fall apart,
And let you see inside?
Would you tell me its alright?

How can I be so conflicted?
You're the light and the darkness in my heart
You'll always have a place inside it
How can loving you be so hard?
Just want it to be ok
Someday, Someday....

I worked the late shift tonight...

Strangely, I had never worked a Thursday night before. I'm not a night person. I'm more productive in the morning. I don't enjoy getting out of bed, but I'd prefer that to being at home all day and then, just when I'm getting tired, having to go out. A lot of my classes were at night when I was studying Event Management, and I truly hated that! Tonight was quite uneventful. The attempted driving lesson beforehand, not so much. The sun shining in my eyes, uncomfortable shoes, and coffee in my system resulted in me pretty much panicking. It's a lose lose situation. Without coffee, I'm tired. Who isn't these days? Half the world seems to be living on coffee, or energy drinks. I've never had energy drinks, and I avoid coffee when I can for previously mentioned reasons. So I'm kind of a regular sleepyhead in daydream land, then.
Driving is like my Mountain I have to climb, or something. So is my fear of it. It's gonna take a lot of prayer, and a lot of trying again and again and again. I'm closer than I ever was before, which is good. But it's still extremely frustrating!
Now it's 11.30pm and I'm fixing my nails, because it drives me insane when they're not perfect LOL. I'm really revealing my craziness in this post, it seems.
Well, goodnight.

Love...is good.

I was asked last night, what makes us stronger? In my experience, it's not necessarily pain, or faith, which are typical answers. It's love. When you're forced to do what you thought you couldn't, for the ones you love. When you love, and it hurts, and you love anyway.
I remember reading in a magazine years ago, a challenge to spend 15 minutes listing EVERYTHING you love. I never got around to doing it. So I'm going to now. This may turn out random!!

My family. Mum, Dad, my brother Matt, my Opa. (And Omi!)
Extended family too. This brings about several types of love. The kind where you can count on people no matter what, and he kind where you're not so close but you're family, so you have a responsibility to love them and you can learn from that.
Pets- for me, animals= love. Their loyalty. They don't judge the way society does. They love for the right reasons. (And because we give them food.) The only time I really feel faith in action in my life is with my pets. That's where I find answered prayers and purpose. So, Valentine, Ruby, Missy, Peter, Belle and Percy = love. Not forgetting all the pets I've had and known throughout my life, that unfortunately didn't live forever. :(
My friends- I have awesome friends. Some whose sentences I could finish, and some who are completely different to me in every way! It's never boring. My closest friends are probably the ones I've had since the beginning of high school. They're just sweet people I can be myself with.
I love random kindness of strangers. www.givesmehope.com is an example. And Doctors and Nurses (and vets) for what they do.
Artists. People who have the gift of creating songs, music, lyrics, books, poems, paintings, drawings. There's something magical about that. People who feel everything. Who can use their talent to express what they, and others feel. Like Celine. I love who she is as a human. I also love Jess, Delta, and many others <3
Babies. Their innocence. The smile of a Father looking at his son or daughter. The bond Mothers have with their children.
God. For creation. For miracles. Jesus for what He did for us, even though there's so much of it I don't understand. It was unfair that He had to suffer.
Good Christians. The ones who truly LOVE everyone and don't judge. Good people of any faith!
Australia. The freedoms we have in this country. Warm weather (sometimes.) But I also love rain and wind sometimes. Water and air because we need that. Nature. Earth. Languages. Seasons.
Having a home. Having had the experience of traveling. Having the ability to do what I want to, like learn new things, like climb things (if I wanted to!) Material possessions...we do love them. Even if they're not worth so much in the end.
I love laughter...happiness. The ability to let go and not over think, sometimes! Even if some call that the bliss of ignorance.
I love colours. Chocolate, pizza and Mexican food. (Vegetarianism!) The beach. Sunrise and sunset. Looking at the sky. My bed. Life..
I have 33 seconds to go. I could be way more specific and take another half hour, but I'll stop here.

It's Thursday night...

My parents and Grandpa are watching a TV show where every second word they say is "f***." Now, I'm not super offended by that word. I occasionally say it when I stub my toe. I don't mind it being used every now and then for emphasis...but when you can't construct a sentence without using it at least once, you sound stupid, ignorant and rude and I don't want to listen to you.
Matt's watching racist cartoons. That's no better.
My bunnies are outside. Last time I saw them, Peter was once again trying to figure out how to mate with poor Ruby. He seems to know that he's meant to get on top of her, but anything beyond that, he's clueless. He climbs on the wrong way so he's over her head, and she just pulls away and looks at him like he's crazy. Perhaps I should let them watch the discovery channel? Lol.
Therefore, it's Thursday night, and I am hanging out with Missy. I kissed her head feathers and got lip gloss on them though. Ooops. Oh well.
I have a few days off work this week...I wanted to be super productive but I had to take care of Opa today, and do the laundry Mum forgot about. (I live with a bunch of scatterbrains...I recently found cutlery on the lounge room floor, and I stepped in cherry pie that someone dropped on the kitchen floor today. Sigh. I think most cages are more organized than our home!!)
I did manage to do some drafts of applications, and a driving lesson this afternoon...I finally passed 50 hours! I'm still struggling with merging and reverse parallel parking though. Also managed to watch some of the DVDs I got for my Birthday. ;)
I'm going to leave this blog entry with some random thoughts from recent reflection...

Religion is sad. Not faith. Religion. The whole structured thing, the judgment, the rituals, the wars. The use of fear to get people to do what you want them to do. When it becomes like a box you can't see of, and you can't even imagine how somebody could disagree with you. Closed mindedness. The use of violence in Jesus's name. If that's what Christianity is, I don't want any part of it! And while, yes, man is responsible for a lot of it, I don't think the Bible helps. It's very violent. Maybe there are ways to interpret and justify that, but they're certainly not clear to the average person who would pick up the book and read about a supposedly loving God who would yet send people to hell and instruct nations to go to war. I don't believe the Bible is inerrant. I never have, to be honest, but I was recently told that I "had" to believe that, and it really threw me off track. Look, maybe it is. Whatever. I can't do anything to change it either way. But I'm not one of those church going, door knocking, worshipping Christians. I'm just not comfortable with that. It became a part of my life because it seemed like the only answer. But if I didn't believe... and if I wasn't afraid of what my life would be without that belief, I'd walk away. That's the point I'm at right now. If God is really like that, I'd rather that life on Earth be just a wonderful coincidence, not created. With nothing before or after it. It's easy to imagine that religion is simply humans insistence on believing in a happy ending. It would explain why there are so many of them! (Religions, that is, not humans.) I'm re-reading the Shack though, and seriously starting to think it should replace the Bible...it makes a lot more sense and is so much more relevant to a lot of people's experiences than a book written thousands of years ago and translated over and over. Don't get me wrong...I love God and some Christians are great. It's just the vast majority that make me want to bang my head against a brick wall. I think part of my point is that Religion doesn't seem to make anyone happy. It seems to make half of them angry, and the other half feel guilty.
Why is it that when I aim to write like 2 sentences about this, it ends up being an essay? I drive myself nuts.

Birthdays...

Happy Birthday to my "little" brother who turned 20 today, and my Grandfather who turned 88! (My 23rd tomorrow, but I'm sort of trying to avoid that haha.) We have 2 of my Aunt's Birthdays coming up too. October is a busy month!
In the pic you will see Matt's cake...it's some kind of gooey fruit flan thing. We had a family breakfast this morning, and I made a whole lot of crepes. Dad went to the Football Grand Final today, and Mum and I went driving...Matt had a day off so he's been watching Tv. They went to see Grandad yesterday but I stayed home to take care of Opa. Alright, that's enough rambling for now! :)

Love...is strange.

If love is an action
Just a choice we make
What does that mean?
That our feelings are faked?
I could love the whole world
In a theoretical way
But that's not so special
It's kind of empty

For twenty years I've tried
And prayed when you would not
I loved who I wanted you to be
And look where that got us
To a place where all we have
Between us is obligation
A series of let downs
Over what we'll never have now

Love was who I thought you were
In this case an illusion
Our hearts never shared a beat
Even when we were in the same room
I thought I was supposed to feel love
So I said it, but I could not
I guess there's no point in pretending
It is what it is
Might as well let it go.

The dentist..

I meant to post this yesterday but I was so tired last night, I forgot.
I had a dentist checkup appointment yesterday- but about 2 hours before, my tooth broke! Talk about weird timing. Convenient...yet it's never convenient for a tooth to break. I seriously have nightmares about teeth breaking, it freaks me out so bad! I don't understand why it happened to me, since I eat calcium and I ALWAYS brush and floss. What more can I possibly do??
Anyway thankfully it was easy fixed, no needles thank God... (yet expensive...I can barely afford to have teeth!) and then I got a chance to go shopping. By the time I got home I was totally exhausted and I had a headache... then I had to clean up after the pets and do a whole bunch of things. Today I went to work, and did a bunch more things. Now it's bedtime again. Goodnight!